I didn't do a real update last month, just a little blurb, so this month will look a bit better then usual. November is a very busy month so I may or may not have good progress for December. I'm going to try and move my updates to the beginning of the month, just to be a little consistent!

Start: April 4, 2009
End: December 31, 2011

Goals worked: 16(36)
Goals completed: 0(5)
( The Nitty Gritty )

So every once in a while I have these really messed up dreams. I wake up feeling good like I did in the dream but it fades pretty fast as I realize what I was dreaming about again. It makes me feel so creeped out that I enjoy the dream. (Sorry for being cryptic, I really am not comfortable with the subject.) I just really hope that the things I read online describing dreams are true and the dreams are just nudges about stuff in my life that needs changing. If I get a therapist though I'm spilling my guts on this because if there's some way to stop the dreams I want too know asap.

In other news, I told my parents this idea I had for an invention and my mom is seriously pressing me to make up a model and find a way to pitch it to be made. I think it's a good idea, but not really something that's going to be a big deal. Still, it would be pretty cool if I did make up a sample and see it go somewhere. (ending on a positive note means this isn't an angsty post, whoot!)

5 months in and I'm not doing as well as I hoped, but I'm not worrying. I'm just going to try pushing myself more. So here's what's been going on.

Change:
3. Help C make a list. became
3. Make 3 short-term lists with C.
We decided it would help us to make short-term lists for both of us to follow.

Finished:
58. Go to the beach.
Went a few times during camping in Wells, ME.

In Progress:
1. Post LJ updates every month. (5/33)
13. Shower at C’s every 3 days for 2 months. (5/20)
14. Wake up before 10am for 90 days. (4/90)
15. Wake up before 9am for 60 days. (10/60)
18. Got for a walk 20 times. (7/20)
21. List 100 things that make me happy. (20/100)
24. Practice breathing to calm down when angry. (3/10)
25. Practice envisioning to cheer-up when sad. (1/10)
35. Buy mascara and learn to use it.
45. Do 5 acts of cleaning for the Nutes. (2/5)
47. Donate 1 million grains of rice on FreeRice.org. (16,970/1,000,000)
It was more but I accidentally deleted my tally when changing my desktop.

Because I'm impatient and trying to keep organized, I'm updating with what's going on. It's not a ton but it's something.

http://gravitty101.bravehost.com
Finished: 4 (2 this month)
Progress: 31(10 this month)

( What's Happening )

Start: April 4, 2009
End: December 31, 2011

Finished: 2
In Progress: 26 (12 this month)

( The Whole story )

Plans:
3. Help C make a list.
Will really be C and I making little lists together to help our health and happiness.
17. Play tennis with Mom.
Mom and Dad bought rackets!
57. Try geocaching with Mom.
Hopefully I get into the B.O.W. Geocaching course with Mom!

Start: April 4, 2009
End: December 31, 2011
http://gravitty101.bravehost.com/

Finished: 2 (1 this month)
In Progress: 21 (9 this month)

Complete:
9. Do something with my clothes in C’s room.
He cleaned a little while I was away for the weekend, including emptying 3 drawers for me to use. Today I put all my clean clothes away, it feels so nice. Now to get the suitcase out of the room.

Progress:
1. Post LJ updates every month. (2/33)

15. Wake up before 9am for 60 days. (6/60)
It's proving easier to get up super early, then between 9 and 10.

21. List 100 things that make me happy. (16/100)
I'd be farther along but I keep forgetting and I'm trying to be specific.

23. Post 10 LJ entries that aren’t emo. (1/10)

24. Practice breathing to calm down when angry. (2/10)

29. Finish at least 2 sudoku books. (0/2)

37. Take initiative with C and don’t wait for him. (1/4)
It's a hard mindset to get in, but I like being the one to direct things. Plus, he likes when I take charge. lol

47. Donate 1 million grains of rice on FreeRice.org. (11,300/1,000,000)
I think I'll cross this off faster then initially expected. It's so addicting! But I am getting a little tired of the maps over and over.

79. Re-learn Jabberwocky.
One of the best poems to be able to recite on demand as far as I'm concerned!

I just got back from an awesome weekend Becoming an Outdoors Woman. I'm so tired (and sore, sunburned and a little bruised) but it was so worth it!

Friday- woke up at 6:30am to get ready, picked up at 7:30, arrival at 8:30.
Pre-session: learning the basics of firearms. I already did this at the Wildlife Society Techniques Weekend, but it's required to do any firearms courses. The sweet thing is doing it once covers you for every year! Next year I can sleep in 3 hours. Horray!
Lunch, orientation, and an afternoon of RIFLES. I was a rifle so bad now, they are super fun and not as intimidating as you might think. I got some bulls eyes, but having my glasses would have helped a lot.
Dinner, fashion show (pics coming), and sleeeeeeep.

Saturday- breakfast, then off to handguns (muahaha). I wanted to do archery, but it filled up. Handguns were more fun then I expected though. I did way better then I thought I would. Then again scopes help a lot.
Lunch, woodsman skills. The original instructor didn't make it out (wrote down the wrong date!) so we had a fill in. He did awesome considering. I learned to tell direction on a wristwatch! It was mostly talking but we also built a little stick shelter. All you need are 3 strong sticks (a main one and 2 supports), sticks to fill in both sides, and some leaves or ferns to fill in the gaps.
Dinner, raffle, auction (one lady bought me a fishing pole! she kept the other stuff but it cost $75 and I got the most expensive part of it) and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Sunday- breakfast and off to shotgun. By this time my legs are sore from walking 15 mins each way to and from the shooting range. My arms are sore from holding the guns. And man am I tired. At least we drove to Lee Rod & Gun for shotgun. The slight bruising I have is from the recoil from the shotgun though. I shot clay pigeons! ^_^ I like rifles better though.
Lunch, pack up and home!

Oh yeah, after every meal they drew names for prizes. You could only win once so pretty much everyone got something. I won shotgun shell earrings. hehe ^_^

Aw shit! I did so good yesterday posting a non-emo post, well... it wasn't very thought provoking, but it was something. Now I feel like I'm starting to spiral down. Bad timing with my weekend coming up.

I feel like knowing as much as I do about depression almost makes it worse. I'm not just sad and tired and not feeling well. Nope. I'm isolated and lonely and in a spiral of self-pity and triggers. Why do I trigger myself? I know the MySpace group, as fantastic as those people are, is a trigger. I feed off other people's hurt and loneliness and misery. I go looking for help and instead I'm raw and just let the emotions in. I feel like May from The Secret Life of Bees. Sometimes other people's pain is just too hard to keep out.

Here's what I know:
1) Having a therapist would help exponentially. (I don't know how I would afford/get to one.)
2) Having an online support group would help. (I don't know how to find one that's less of a trigger and more focused on recovery.)
3) I push friends away because it feels so hard to keep up contact, but having a support network would mean so much to me.
4) I can't get a job while I continue to self-sabotage.
5) A job would make me feel productive and proud, as well as giving me a purpose.
6) Kiva and the atheist group there is one of the best things I have. Even when everyone fights with each other and disagrees with me a lot.
7) Volunteer work would be so awesome. I need to find something close.
8) Allergies suck.
9) I miss being home.

I've been wanting to post for a while... I just don't know what I want to say! I'll update my 101 list tomorrow or Thursday. Friday early in the a.m. I'm going to B.O.W. with my mom! http://www.mass.gov/dfwele/dfw/education/bow/bow_home.htm

We have to go super early to do gun safety training so we can do gun workshops later. I'm really hoping I got into both rifelry and shotgun. I also hope that if I got into beginner archery my arms don't give out! I have a bad feeling I wont be able to do much, I have very little muscle. (*Note to self- start lifting weights! I can't do push ups cuz my wrists click when I go down. *Note 2- talk to dr. about wrists.)

I'm pretty excited about doing more this summer on my 101. The hard part will be convincing Chris to be more active with me. I know a lot of times when Chris wants to go out I don't. It's my fault for being slow, in the sense of waking up, showering, ect. I hate the shower here, it get's too cold too fast. Plus it's hard to shave my legs when I can barely see! At least it's not to hard to take care of that at the sink. I really want to go for a picnic, that's high on the list of Things I Want to Cross Off. Making some bentos would be nice too. I'm still not comfortable in the kitchen though, I'm always thinking "it's not mine, I shouldn't mess with it."

P.S. I've just noticed I have the really odd habit of stopping whatever I'm doing and filling out a sudoku puzzle.

Resolution to Self (and in public to help the feeling of accountability)

I am a mogwai. I will not eat (or be fed) after midnight. As a 25yo on the strongest dose of the strongest anti-acid reflux Rx, I will not put up with heartburn. I will not be ok allowing my esophagus the chance to continue to be worn away. I don't want freaking esophageal cancer! And (the hard part) I WILL take Maalox/Tums when I do get heartburn. If I don't put in the effort to get better I can't expect a specialist to do more then pass me off to a follow up in a year.

Screw you GERD or Acid-Reflux disease or whatever the hell. I'm in charge!

Off to a fairly good start. Right after I made my list I read a post on Mission101 about "idea crushes" and deleted a couple I realized fit the category. As always you can see the list and progress here: http://gravitty101.bravehost.com/

( 1 done and 16 started )

So I was reading an article about a town that passed laws last year forcing banks that owned foreclosed homes to keep them in good shape. The banks have to spend money to send people out to clean pools, get rid of monster weeds, and fix broken windows. It made me wonder about squatters for some reason. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Squatting (US is way down on the list.)

So basically a squatter can become a legal owner if they squat for a set time period (varies by state) and they have to prove that “possession is actual, open, notorious, exclusive, hostile, under cover of claim or right, and continuous and uninterrupted for the statutory period." Ok, that sounds hard. Most places kick you out after a pretty short time.

SO! I started thinking a little more (go me!) about a less up-to-luck way to do. And I thought of going to areas with lots of foreclosures, especially places with maintenance laws. Find a house in kinda bad shape, find out who owns it and call them. Propose that you will maintain the property up to standards of the town and bank, at no cost, if the bank lets you stay there. You'll clear out when they realtor brings people by, it's a selling point that the home is being maintained, and the bank doesn't have huge costs when the pool turns into a swamp. The thing the bank would like least would probably be utilities, but meh.

Now I want to see a reality tv show about this.

My Mom asked me if I want to do the Walk for Hunger this year. She did it last year and I was interested so I decided to go for it. My cousin joined in too. I know it's just about going to kill me since I'm sooooo out of shape. Now I just have to raise some money to make it worth while!

Anyone that wants to donate http://www.projectbread.org/goto/heatherh :D

Start: April 4, 2009
End: December 31, 2011
101 Website
(There may be pop up windows, it's just an account I already had.)

( The Full List )

Alternate goals-
Any slips on long-term goals may be made up for by completing an alternate goal.

1. Spend 1 hour in WoW helping someone (even a lowbie I don’t know).
2. Draw a fantasy, endangered animal, post on Elfwood.
3. Fold 10 cranes.
4. Read 25 pages.
5. Write for 45 minutes.

As part of my self-motivation process I've decided to take another look at Mission 101, which I've been ignoring way too much. My old list is set to be up April 25, and I have very little done or started. A bunch of the stuff requires money, so it's just not possible. A bunch of other things are uninteresting or irrelevant,

So I'm making a new list! I'll start it on April 4, so it will end Dec 31, 2011. The timing was just too perfect not to. I'm planning on leaving spots on the new one open so that I can transfer unfinished goals that are still something I want to do from the old list. If I have an open spot and the goal gets crossed off the old list before the 25th I'll just take a little time to think of something new.

Now I just have to come up with most of a 101 list that is reasonable, achievable, and interesting. I don't want to set lame goals that will be too easy, but I've learned the hard way that setting goals too high leads to ignoring them and not getting them done. (300 paper cranes comes to mind, I've made less then 50.) I've also learned how hard being specific is, you would think it's obvious but it's not so easy!

Off to come up with a few more goals.

I'm such a contradiction.

Some days I want to change the world, run outside and yell "I'm going to fix it all. Who's in!"
Other days getting out of bed sounds like the worst idea anyone came up with.

I feel restless, like I need to go. No place specific, just the typical anywhere but here. At the same time I can't even drag my sorry butt to the grocery store.

I want to change. I want to be a productive part of society. At the very least a worker bee in the hive instead of hiding in the corner and hoping no one notices. There's so many things I want but most of them contradict each other. I want to go, travel, see other place, but I can't afford it and I want to make money so I can afford myself.

I can't find motivation. It's so much easier to sit around and not try to do anything special. Sometimes I even want to take little steps like getting up earlier and going out. But I rarely do. I sleep in because Chris does, I don't go for walks because Chris wouldn't go with me. I don't go out because I don't shower often enough. (I hate the shower here, so little hot water.)

I need to find a way to motivate myself and fast. I really don't want to get to the point where I'm forced to do something drastic because we've driven out parents to their limit. It's going to be really painful if that happens.

Ever start thinking of what you would do if you could go back in time and re-do a few moments here and there?

Ever not be able to stop?

It's something I do here and there. I wonder what it would be like if I could go back in time and say, ask my parents if I could invest some birthday money in the stock market, or get the nerve to say/do something I was too shy about at the time. (Although for the past 3 years I have consistently thought I couldn't change things enough that I wouldn't get together with Chris.)

This evening I had a bad headache and slept for a while. Then Chris and I didn't end up getting in bed until after 4am. I came downstairs at 6 because I couldn't stand being in bed awake anymore. I couldn't stop thinking about going back and changing things here and there in high school and college.

-Invest a bit in the stock market, say Apple: yay money!
-Go with a girl (friend) to prom: hehe make people talk and probably better memories.
-Work for the summer after graduation: $.$
-Talk more to Justin/go out with him my freshy year: hey, just cuz I'm happy with who I'm with doesn't mean I can't wish I had a bit more experience in dating.
-Volunteer/work summer after freshy year: $ or experience
-Take Japanese classes: be in a good place to go for year 5 at school and get a minor added to my degree.
-Tackfully break up with Justin before Junior year (if necessary): some single time would do me good ;)
-Start looking into a senior thesis for ComCol earlier, be serious about it: not fail this time, graduate with honors!
-Intern/volunteer summer after sophomore year: same as above.
-Get heartburn addressed earlier and possibly catch damage before it gets this bad: freaking hate meds >:(
-Do a better job as The Wildlife Society treasurer: better impression and all that
-Year 5 at UMass, graduate with honors, better job opportunities and better money situation!

*sigh*

So I feel like crap today. Yesterday I started getting a sore throat and it lasted all day today too, I think my sinuses are running, but it they seem to be packing up now. My period started too. OMG, being off the pill for 2 months the cramps are so much worse. I wish I never stopped. I'll have to get my rx called over. I'm so afraid I'm going off insurance I'll have to get it before Jan 1. {worry jitters}

Anyhow, that's not the point...

I'm really antsy today. I feel like I need to do something. I'd clean my room if I was home but I'm not. I tried not to clean Chris' room cuz he was raiding and I don't want to stress him out with me trying to do things he doesn't like. I did end up emptying both of his bed table drawers... >.> The stuff is on the floor sorted into "Do you want it?" and "Where do you want it?" He's got 3 flashlights for gosh sakes!! And 2 small, empty eye glass cases. He's like my dad with throwing things out I swear....


Which reminds me.... Chris is totally a cross between my dad and my cousin Daniel. It kinda freaks me out. Especially when Chris and Daniel are in the same room and I have to consciously think about which name to day when I'm talking to people. (Not as in "My bf... ummmm." more like "So one time... Chris said-")

I know I need a job too. That's really been on my mind and stressing my out. I practically cry every time my mom would mention job or future. There's nothing on Monster or Yahoo for jobs in Palmer. Hopefully I can find something in a store window downtown or something. I mean I don't have to get a job out here, but it would help to look.

I'm also trying to figure out if I should look into seeing a therapist or try and work on things myself. I've been feeling kind-of ok recently, but aside from moments of super freaking out I don't face issues. My DCU account has been over-drawn 2x because my parents put money in the savings account for my student loans. So I have less money then I should. I could have called the bank and asked about getting a refund on it, but I felt like it was my fault somehow and never did.

I need to get myself together and fast.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!


So I feel like I've totally gotten more then I deserve. I was pretty slim on options for presents, I hope people are happy with what they got. Chris got a couple Wii games and 4 months of WoW from my mom me. I know he loved the GPS my parents gave him at least. My mom and dad's presents were totally paid for by Chris and kind of limited. Same for his parents except I cross-stitched a dish cloth that seemed to be kind of brushed off.

On the other hand, I made out like a freaking bandit. My parents said something about "not a lot" and so did Chris's sister Erin (well duh, his family was buying mostly for the baby, I expected to get very little).

BUT my parents got me a blanket chest. You know on sitcoms how the bedroom always has a little chest at the end of the bed? I HAVE ONE NOW!!!! I've always wanted one, and honestly didn't think I'd get one until I got my own place.

AND

Chris bought me a computer! A Dell desktop just so I can play games. I just looked at him when I opened it and said "I don't even know what to do." He thought I might cry, but I heard the Easy Bake Oven story enough times. Apparently, I was the only one who didn't know about it, that includes people from WoW.

p.s. Eric Hutchinson is awesome! Highly recommended if you like Jason Mraz.